Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Will(ing) & Grace(less)!!

The Federal Marriage Amendment, that recently failed to become law in the United States as it failed to muster enough votes in the US Senate, seeks, in its essence, to prohibit states from establishing marriage as anything but between a man and woman, thus precluding all kinds of other “unions”, like between two men or two women or between a woman and, say, a tree, or between a man and his beer can or between Joan Rivers and any other living being on this planet, from being called a “marriage”. It seems that the greatest threat to Western civilization since Genghis Khan, and his merrily marauding ways, is gay marriage. (Genghis liked him some boys too – making him THE existential threat to the West. Osama Bin Laden might want to reconsider if he really wants 72 virgins in the after-life instead of fooling around with the nearest unwashed Pathan to increase his status as the greatest threat to the West…EVER).

Now I hold no brief for gay people – though I’d picket Bill Frist’s house for the right to see 2 women “get it on”. But in this day of clash-of-civilizations fanatical terrorism, exploding fiscal deficits, economic threats from India and China not to speak of proliferating mind-numbing reality TV shows and the “Bradgelina” baby media-circus, do we really need the “most powerful body in the world” to debate on how to stop some guys from Maine from marrying each other? This just reinforces the point in my head that as societies get more developed and powerful, they become increasingly deluded and off-track. Who comes up with the priority list of items/bills to be debated in the US Senate anyways? Maybe this is how the conversation went, between a Major Leader of the majority party and the Presiding Officer of the Senate (I claim absolutely no knowledge on how the legislative agenda for the Senate works, but that’s not prevented people from running for important offices, so there!):

Presiding Officer (PO): “So, how much did we spend yesterday?

Major leader (ML): “Oh, with that bridge to nowhere in Alaska proceeding apace and the supplemental bill that funds diapers for all minority children that crap just twice a day going through, probably around 150 billion $$$!”

PO: “What? Are you crazy?! That’s like…like…hundreds of thousands of dollars!!” (Going apoplectic, almost imitating a certain somebody choking on his pretzel!)

ML: “Yes, yes what to do?! And those pesky guys from California and New York want to squeeze in ridiculous things like increased funding for port security and others are asking for increased body armor for troops in Aye-raq, God knows why because we are already winning there and we haven’t even got to those traitorous issues like health care, education, social security?!”

PO: “You better get this stuff under control! Halliburton called and said we’re late for the next war! Do you want to be known as the guy who killed Halliburton?!!” (The ML holds onto his desk tighter to prevent himself from keeling over.) “Think, think…we’ve got to do something to prevent focus on all this! And there are elections in November too!!”

ML: “Let me call Rove and ask him what to do...I mean, he would definitely know about turning a trick or two when one has a losing hand!”
Calls Rove at his office, and finds he’s deeply immersed in his favorite book of all time, “Religio-social and demographic trends in the Greater Mid-Western and the Southern United States – 1900 to 2002” by The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy Institute.

Rove: “Rove here.”

ML: “Hey, Turd Blossom…how’s it hangin’?”

Rove: “Listen, you call me that one more time and I’m telling the Prez!”

ML: “Just kiddin’…but listen we’ve got a little problem here, with spending. Not to mention all that other stuff going on with Aye-raq, and Pathanistan and what-have-you. What do we do – can’t cut essential spending like bridges to nowhere and other lobbying-group favorites and also need to shift attention away from all these external troubles! Got any bright ideas?”

Rove: “Do as I always do – when in trouble with real issues scare up some fake ones and make them as scary to the public as Cheney’s scowl!”

ML: “Good idea….I’ll bring a Bill to ban aliens from eating humans when they land on earth!”

Rove: *Sighs exasperatedly*, “Do I have to think about everything? Let me ask you this…How do you feel about boys kissing each other?”

ML: “Yechhhh….tried that once in school, there was this guy in junior high who bullied me into it, and though it wasn’t too bad…hmmmm, I wonder what Mike is doing nowadays…” *voice trails off in thought*

Rove: “Shut up! Where’s your moral fiber and religious certitude that was stitched into you at the retreat when you first become a member of the Bush era?!”

ML: “Sorry, sorry!! I mean, that really turns me off! It makes me sick…it makes me want to puke!!” *retching voice heard on the phone*..."Hey there’s that meatball sandwich from lunch!”

Rove: *tiredly* “Ok, so you get it now, right? What you need to do?”

ML: “Not eat at the Senate cafeteria? Definitely! Those hombres have a harsh immigration bill coming…the nerve of that “amigo” to serve me those lousy meatballs!”

Rove: *completely frustrated* “No, no you meathead…Get a gay marriage ban amendment in the Senate, scare the voters into thinking this is the greatest issue of the day, get the extreme Right riled up and get other pork barrel spending through the Senate under this cover and win the November elections!

ML: “Wow, man, that’s great! That could really work! I tell ya Turd…ahem, Rove, you’re the dude! If I do manage to swing this, I tell ya, I could run for President!”

Rove: *laughs maniacally* “Bush tells himself that everyday!”

Friday, June 23, 2006

First One...

I guess it's time to give this a try again. I've been told, by people who should know better, that I should give my literary bone a tweak and get off my hump (my non-lady-like but, nevertheless, lovely hump) and jump in with both feet, into the blogosphere, while the water is still warm. Well, so here I am...trying my hand at some lighter stuff.

The urge to write is perhaps as old as the watchman from my old school who, I am sure, wrote a real mean love letter to Ram Dulari in deepest Bihar, while guarding the virtues of us young kids in vice-ridden Juhu. (Juhu is the Beverly Hills of Mumbai...or at least was during the ancient time when I went to school there. Now, it seems, Bandra is the new Juhu while Juhu is the new Upper East side of Manhattan while the old Beverly Hills is a real estate disaster waiting to happen!). But to try one's hand at "humorful" writing is relatively new...don't think any of those cavemen who drew those painting on their cave walls were trying to communicate, through their own version of "writing", the humor in their lives, what with, maybe, a 127 breeds of wild animals thinking you were fair game for lunch and bathing was a distant gleam in the eye of the earliest ancestors of Mr. Proctor or Mr. Gamble.

So here I am bravely trying once more to get some juice flowing in the old literary veins (my Lit teacher from school just turned in her grave...if she's alive, then she'd surely wish she were dead before seeing me do this!), get the writing mind ticking, sharpening the old rhetorical saw...yeah, yeah I know I should give it a rest. With the worldwide readership of exactly 0.667 (my attention keeps wandering for roughly 33% of the time to the "Babes of the World Cup" part of the Fox Sports website!), I am far from the greatest thing to hit blogging since...whoever. Anyways, I think it was fun till now, and I shall endeavor to do this again. Or, maybe, inflict myself again on you, o gracious-but-honestly-you-have-too-much-time-on-your-hands reader!